Broken
by Aida Caroti
Summary: 'He hated the shake to his hand as he drew a sword, the tremble that lasted the entire day. He hated the dreams that haunted him, hated her cruel eyes as she laughed manically.' Gwaine isn't okay, he's far from it.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin**

****_A/N: I was reading Gwaine fic's and this just came to me. It pissed me off in the last episode when they went straight over to Elyan and practically ignored Gwaine. Plus I felt that Gwaine would suffer some repercussions from being practically tortured. This is not suggesting that Gwaine is weak, far from it. It's suggesting that everyone has a breaking point- even Gwaine._

* * *

Gwaine had been different ever since Morgana had last took Camelot, he was quiet, subdued and just not himself.

It worried his friends immensely.

When he had been rescued, he had several broken ribs and various wounds. His physical state was easily repairable; his mental state however was somewhat harder. He had brushed off any worries of his friends with a disarming grin and a short bark of laughter. They weren't fooled.

Morgana had done _something _to Gwaine, it wasn't fighting for his supper that had got to him, he had been in harder situations before. Something Morgana had said, something Morgana had done got to him in a way that couldn't be solved.

The Knights had no idea what they could do, they had thought they knew Gwaine, thought they knew their brother in arms. But with his new quiet nature they found they knew little to nothing about their close friend.

It was Merlin who asked him about it first, he knew Gwaine trusted him and hoped it would be enough for him to spill what was hurting him so. Somehow their friendship, the bond that they shared simply just wasn't enough.

It had hurt Merlin more than he would ever admit, after Lancelot Gwaine was just about the only person he would ever be able to trust with his secret. Now he couldn't be so sure, he only wanted to help his friend but he simply shrugged him off.

Gwaine didn't tell them because he didn't want to admit the truth, he didn't want them to know how scared he had been, him the strongest of them all terrified of a woman. Petrified of dying, of seeing his friends die. But what had scared him more than anything was the power Morgana held over him, she could have ordered his death at any time she could have tortured him like she did Elyan or let him slowly die like Gaius. Yet she didn't, instead she sat and watched as he was humiliated, fighting with nothing but a wooden toy sword. He could only watch as she beckoned with one pale finger and he was assaulted by her men. Attacked from all sides, fighting an unwinnable battle.

As she smirked.

But it was the words she whispered into his ear as he was dragged bruised and bloody from the room that haunted him the most. The sharp sting of the truth.

"_You are nothing to them. You are weak, pathetic. Do you think they even care that you are here, what you are suffering. Do you think your precious Arthur will thank you for all that you've done, apologise for all that you've suffered? I think not… Or Merlin, dear Merlin will thank you for keeping his Gaius alive? He won't, none of them will."_

The words from her sharp tongue dipped in venom and pierced his conscious, he could not forget what she said, he could not forget the truth that she uttered.

"_You are the comedic relief, nothing else Gwaine. Don't forget that."_

He hadn't, he hadn't been able. Whilst there, slowly suffering in the dungeons of Arthurs castle he had been able to forget, to convince himself that she was wrong, that she spoke naught but lies. But now?

Now he was unable, he had seen how they treated him after his ordeal. As they rushed to the aid of Elyan and ignored him. Ignored his sacrifice of blood and sweat for the safety of the others.

No one had asked him how he was; they only cared when he stopped talking. When he stopped laughing.

He hated himself.

He hated the shake to his hand as he drew a sword, the tremble that lasted the entire day. He hated the dreams that haunted him, hated her cruel eyes as she laughed manically.

He hated the flashbacks to the dungeons. He hated how his memories would twist in his dreams until both Elyan and Gaius lay dead at his feet.

He hated himself.

"Gwaine…" Merlin said softly, not wanting to startle him friend. Gwaine had been becoming increasingly paranoid. Merlin had heard the knights worriedly talk of how Gwaine slept with a blade in his hand- that was if he was sleeping at all. The bags under his eyes told a different story. Gwaine was a shell of his former self and Merlin's anger towards _her_ could only increase when he realised just how much she had destroyed his friend. Gaius told them Gwaine was just suffering the aftershocks of the event, it was the stress he had said. He told them not to ask him about it and to simply leave him to overcome it on his own.

Merlin thought that this was the wrong approach to take; Gwaine became worse and worse every day. He had managed to cut himself in training the other day, his sword slipping out of his shaking hands and cutting open his leg as he stared distantly at some phantom enemy.

But then Arthur had witnessed one of Gwaine's nightmares. It had been awful, he had said. Gwaine thrashed and yelled and screamed in his sleep. Arthur had been scared. Merlin had never seen him as ashen as he had worriedly told Merlin what he saw and sworn him to secrecy. As Arthur had said the council were already concerned about Gwaine's mental state and to remove him from action like they would suggest would destroy what little remained.

"Gwaine please… I just want to help."

"Do you Merlin? Then leave me in peace." Gwaine didn't turn his head, he simply murmured quietly.

"No, I'm tired of leaving you in peace. You are not well Gwaine, let me help you. Let us help you." Merlin begged tearfully. Gwaine shook his head. "Just tell me what happened, what did Morgana do to you?"

"Nothing." Gwaine gave a mirthless chuckle, it sounded eerie to Merlin's eyes "She did nothing to me."

"But Gwaine, why are you like this… why?"

"She did nothing to me, I did it all to myself. Merlin, I really want to be on my own. Please leave."

"No, not until you tell me why, not until you explain."

"Do you have any idea what it's like Merlin to be at that woman's mercy, knowing that at any moment she could end your life and there is nothing you could do to stop it?" Merlin didn't speak; he was too shocked that he had gotten anything from him "Well do you?" There was no emotion to Gwaine's voice. It was dead, dead as all those people Morgana killed.

"No I don't, but Gwaine talk to me and we can end this."

"We can't." Gwaine made as if to walk away but Merlin grabbed him by the shoulder.

"No Gwaine not this time." Merlin said lowly "It's not helping you being by yourself, just talk to me. I'm your friend."

"Are you?" Gwaine sneered.

"Of course I am, how could you doubt that?" Merlin asked aghast.

"I have sacrificed so much for this kingdom, for Arthur. I have sacrificed it all for friendship and maybe I don't feel it's been a fair deal."

"I don't understand."

"I am nothing! Nothing in comparison to the others!" He paused for breath, his breathing was coming in sharp gasps as he tried to contain himself "I am nothing to you all. I would have willingly gave my life for all of you but I am nothing but a joker. Nothing." Gwaine trailed off, his eyes swimming with unshed tears.

"How can you say that? You are my friend, you are our friend."

"I am nothing."

"What did she say? What did she say to break you so?" Merlin asked desperately.

"She told me the truth; she told me what I am, what you thought of me. I didn't believe it, not at first. Only after I was rescued did I realise the truth in her words."

"Gwaine, I don't know what she told you but you can't believe her, it's not the truth. You are my friend Gwaine and it pains me to see you like this. Please, just let me help."

"I can't."

"Why not, why would she tell you the truth? She wanted to break Camelot, break all of us. Don't let her win, please." Merlin was gripping his shoulders firmly now, trying to force his friend into eye contact.

"I can't be that man anymore, I can't laugh or joke. All I can remember is that fear, my weakness. My inability to protect those I care for."

"You did protect them, you did what you could." Merlin reassured him.

"It wasn't enough. I have fought to survive before, I've been in more fights than I can remember. But never before did I have people relying on me."

"I understand."

"No you don't!" Gwaine shouted. "Gaius was dying in front of me, Elyan had been tortured, they needed me. I had to fight, I had to be strong for them." Gwaine's voice broke "I didn't want to be."

"Gwaine…"

"No, don't. But that's not what hurt you know? I could survive that. It was everyone rushing to their aid, no one caring about me that hurt."

"Of course we cared." Merlin said horrified.

"No." Gwaine laughed "Why would you?"

Merlin couldn't think of anything to say, nothing he could say would change things. "Its her that's the worst bit, she's in my head." Gwaine said almost to himself, pointing a finger to his head. "She's in here and she haunts me, she won't let me go." he whispered.

"Gwaine we can get through this, the nightmares and the flashbacks will fade."

"Will they?" Gwaine clenched a fist "I don't think I will ever escape them."

"Trust me. Please, I'm your friend." Merlin yet again begged "I'm not saying it will get better immediately, I'm not even expecting you to be like you were. I just want you to be happy."

"So do I."

"Then please. I know she hurt you, she hurt us all. But we can't let her win, just let us help you."

"I don't need help, I just you need to truly my friends. I don't want to just be the joker, the comedic relief."

"You never have been, I'm sorry if she made you feel like that way. But that has never been true." Merlin raised his arms and enveloped Gwaine in a tight hug.

"I'm not okay." Gwaine sobbed "I'm not okay.

"It's okay Gwaine, you will be."

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A/N I hope you enjoyed, it was quite angsty. In this Gwaine is displaying some symptoms of PTSD, although of course they would be unable to diagnose it back then. Gwaine is my favourite character and it annoyed me in series 4 that they made him into comedic relief, he has so much potential. Leave a review please!


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